before i even begin, i have a gift to share with you. it is certainly nothing extravagant or costly and if you live in a house like mine, it will get destroyed by the weekend. but for today, right now, i want to give you this as a reminder that you are loved--it's a piece of lovely, to brighten your day and remember:
isaiah 40:11
He tends His flock like a shepherd
He gathers the lambs in His arms
and carries them close to His heart
He gently leads those that have young.
(handed out small paper doily) put it under your drinking glass at home, or toothbrush holder, or wherever you'll see it and remember how much God loves you.
i asked all my kids 2 questions, "who do you think is the most strong willed child?" and "do you think you're strong willed?" all 7 answered a different kid as the most strong willed, and none of the ones i would consider strong willed said they were. the strong willed child can be perceived as a negative challenge, but i want you to erase that common stereotype and allow your mind to be a clean slate this morning to give you a different point of view (and if you are a strong willed child, you just thought to yourself that nobody can tell you what to think....)
*remember*.... God chose YOU to be the parent of your child/ren for a reason and He will give you the strength to do just that. what is a strong willed child, and how do you know if you have one?
* a strong willed child (swc) loves to challenge the rules
* they know anything is possible (if you say, "you'll never get to college if you don't study" they'll respond, "really? no one's *ever* done it?")
* there's something about never and can't that sparks a fire in them
* they know there's nothing they *have* to do
* they want control, and are willing to suffer the consequences in order to have it
what's the difference between a defiant child and a swc?
basically, a defiant child (not necessarily a swc) has trouble with authority. a swc questions how the authority is communicated. they want a say.
nevertheless, we are all sinners, and responsible for our actions. we can't blame it on our temperament or being a swc.
*it's so important as Christian parents to teach a view of God that will help our kids desire Him, not rebel against Him.* it's not the threat of eternal damnation that will appeal to our kids, but the promise of a loving relationship.
our purpose for authority in our childrens' lives is not to hold them under our power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God.
i've come up with a word that will help you with 4 ways to deal with your swc. D-R-A-W
D-develop a relationship with your child. think of it as tying heart strings. the Bible speaks often of the heart:
proverbs 4:23, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
matthew 12:24, "out of the mouth, the heart speaks."
deuteronomy 6:2-fear the Lord, enjoy long life, 3- careful to obey so it will go well with you, 5-love the Lord, 6-commands to be on your hearts, 7- impress on your children when you walk, rise, talk all the time, 8-9- put it on your houses/gates (hands/forehands).
three basic relationships that affect our parenting are:
1.) God with us
2.) us with our parents
3.) us with our kids
start when they're young. listen as well as speak. one way we built relationships with our kids was starting around age 3 or 4, we'd take them one on one for a date nights. i'd take them one month at night, and my husband would take them the next month on a saturday morning for a donut. it builds memories as well as enabled us some one on one time for making the most of teachable moments (like seeing prisoners on the side of the road doing maintenance). get to really know your kids, what motivates them. (it's important once they reach a certain age to teach them that we all have hoops to jump through sometimes. a child who doesn't like math but wants to graduate from high school, recognizes that it's a hoop he has to jump through. not necessarily something he needs to learn to love).
a fun game we play with our kids at bedtime, after the lights go out, but before prayers is the word association game. i say a word and they say the first word that comes to mind. we start with silly words, and get deeper as we go on. it's a great way to find out what's on their heart without being too nosy or needing to prompt too much.
R- remove emotions or remain neutral. the day i discovered that their anger/disobedience/ lack of self control was not directed towards *me* was the beginning of a big change for us.
teach them to fear God, not just you. they will stand before His judgment throne one day.
decide if their action is willful defiance or childish responsibility.
teach that law of physics that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
don't get angry or cry.
be willing to walk away.
your anger will signal to them that you are not in control.
you may need to ignore the circumstances of their coming to your family. i had a friend who found it extremely difficult to not be emotional when disciplining her son that they had waited years and spent a great deal of money on adopting. our 6th child was our first child conceived after my husband had his vasectomy reversed. when i was 18 weeks pregnant, we were told that instead of a brain, he had a fluid filled cyst. we were told to have an abortion and "try again." we opted for a repeat ultrasound in 4 weeks. at that visit, the doctor said he had never before seen a cyst as large as our son's completely disappear, but his had (praise the Lord. really, a miraculous gift only He could give.) it was a challenge to remain neutral in disciplining this miracle child.
A- accentuate the positive. not just when they are well behaved in front of other people, but when their hearts chose the right thing when no one is looking. some of the ways we've done this:
prayers of praise at bedtime
talking on the phone to grandma and praising them when they can overhear us
set them up for success--define boundaries/expectations (don't take them to the store when they're tired or hungry, etc.)
see under what circumstances do they get in trouble? what can i do to combat that?
use the fast food approach--have them repeat back to you what you expect them to do. teach them independence and responsibility. this will give them a sense of control that swc desire.
W- wage your battles carefully. think outside the box. when i was little my mom used to say to us: "do you want to go to bed at 8 or stay up until 7:30?" which sounds better to you when you're not really old enough to tell time? :)
decide ahead of time with your spouse what are your negotiables and what are non-negotiable.
our negotiables: how they dress, eating habits, etc.
non-negotiables: seat belts and other safety issues, moral values, etc.
come up with a family mission statement so you can remember what's important to you when your struggle. our basic family mission is to keep an eternal perspective. are we going to discipline the kids for running in the house when we've said not to, or will we wait to discipline after they've broken a lamp while running in the house? (the latter will send a message that the lamp was more important than obedience).
some practical age appropriate applications:
before 7 months--no discipline. ever. use a backpack or sling/wrap to keep them close to you.
teach them before they can crawl to stay and play on a small square blanket or in a hula hoop. (this can be done! it's a training process, not a once and done deal).
8-14 months: distraction/repetition. when my 2nd child was about 2, she was misbehaving in a store and we could not leave. so i looked her right in the eye and said, "oh, honey. am i going to have to tell your mother how you misbehaved for me today?" she was either so shocked or confused at my talking about myself in the 3rd person, that she behaved while we got our necessary items.
15-24 months: small spankings may be necessary for issues of safety. (give it immediately and with something other than your hand-but something that you could not hurt them with. like a thin forsythia branch). give lots of love. make pleasing you their main motivation.
2-3 years: laugh. often. begin scripture memorization. be consistent. say yes as much as possible (works for the teenage years too). time outs can begin to be effective if you find it's a matter of self-control.
4-8 years: address attitudes not just behavior. be the example. they are watching you even when you don't think they are.
9-12 years: loosening the lines of authority can begin if you've been consistent in the early years. spanking should have subsided. natural consequences can really be effective. allow the child to experience pain (so hard for a mom!)
try not to ask, "why did you do that?" often times they won't know....
instead, ask: "what did you do?"
"what should you have done?"
"what can you do to help solve the problem?"
" are you more concerned with pleasing yourself or pleasing God?"
some ways you can train a swc to be more independent and feel more in control is to teach them some ideas from montessori:
*graduated blocks * spooning (lentils, beans, rice) *wringing a sponge, helping to clean * sorting (buttons, colored pasta, toys, etc.) * rice pouring (to work up to being able to pour water or juice on their own) * matching fabrics from a fabric basket * basting * matching different lids * using tongs--marbles onto a bathtub suction cup, fake ice cubes, cotton balls, etc. *putting on coat, getting dressed * walking a line of masking tape on the floor * keep a mystery bag (like a small pillowcase) filled with objects they have to try and identify just by touching
discussion questions:
1.) is there anything else you want to talk about?
2.) do you agree that God gave you your child/ren for a reason and will help you parent them?
3.) do you remember a moment when you knew your child was strong willed? what led up to that realization?
4.) would you describe yourself as a strong willed? what characteristics of yourself do you see in your child?
5.) when you get frustrated or discouraged in your parenting what steps can you take to regain your joy?
